Is It Worth Trying Again in a Relationship

Why getting back with an ex is so compelling

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You broke up, for skillful reasons. So why do so many former couples reunite further downwardly the line?

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Earlier this summertime, 17 years after they split, Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got dorsum together – and triggered an internet avalanche of early 2000s nostalgia, glamorous celebrity intrigue and cultural analyses. They're a power couple, and tabloids and Twitter users alike can't look away.

Simply possibly the most relatable reason regular people are so fascinated by what's otherwise a celebrity-gossip story is that exes found love again.

For many, navigating ex-partners is a reality of romance. That reality tin be negative – one filled with cautionary tales and former partners who can't take a hint. Merely rebuilding a relationship can also exist a tempting venture and even a goal for some people, especially when the success stories sound like something out of a fairy tale. Plus, research suggests the amount of couples who break up and get dorsum together is as high as fifty%.

The pandemic has even accelerated this process for some: amidst a global health crisis and lonely, sexless lockdowns, many people institute themselves reaching out to an ex, hoping to discover that quondam spark.

Experts say that, if both sometime partners are interested, pulling a 'Bennifer' of your ain can yield positive benefits – if you're willing to put in a lot of work, and accept an open mind.

What draws people to exes

One of the biggest upsides of re-entering a former relationship is that yous by and large know what you're getting into. "In that location can be some existent advantages to actually knowing a partner well before giving a long-term relationship a try again," says Michael McNulty, a couples therapist in Chicago and trainer at the Gottman Institute, an organization that studies relationships and offers counseling.

McNulty says every romantic relationship has "perpetual differences". These are points of possible conflict, like navigating a shared living space, money, sex, kids, friends, family and more than. Fifty-fifty happy couples have them, since a relationship is always fundamentally 2 different people with unlike personalities and worldviews.

Getting dorsum together with an ex can pb to a fairy-tale happy ending, just only if both partners seriously revisit what went incorrect before, experts say (Credit: Getty Images)

McNulty says, according to Gottman Institute research, these perpetual differences make up 69% of the problems most couples face in a human relationship. Long-lasting, slow-called-for problems are the real human relationship poison – non big, explosive, single events or confrontations. "Most marriages or relationships end by ice instead of fire," says McNulty. Some couples "observe information technology too hard to talk about or piece of work on differences effectually key problems. They ofttimes grow more distant, and [become] more like roommates than they are spouses or lovers."

That's why some people may want to get back together with an erstwhile partner, or to endeavour and stick it out with their electric current ane. Because while we often go into a new human relationship expecting it'll be better than the terminal, McNulty urges some caution: "If you're in a relationship and you're thinking about leaving, exist careful, because you're basically trading 69% of perpetual differences with i partner with 69% of perpetual differences for another."

And so if you get dorsum with an ex, yous at least already know what those perpetual differences are going to be. Getting into the groove of the relationship could feel like less hassle than meeting someone new and starting from scratch.

"You lot're picking upward where you left off," says Judith Kuriansky, relationship and sexual activity therapist, and adjunct professor of psychology and teaching at Teachers College, Columbia University, in New York City. For some people, it feels "better to go back to someone that you kind of know something about, than someone y'all don't know annihilation about".

Celebrating what'due south changed

Another benefit to getting back with an ex is awareness of what's inverse in the time yous've spent autonomously. Y'all may exist disadvantaged when dating someone brand new, because you're not enlightened of how they might have grown and changed in a positive way over time. With an ex, you get more of a before-and-after snapshot. Kuriansky says ane of the well-nigh common reasons for exes rebooting their romance is "feeling like they've grown and matured".

Violette de Ayala is the Miami-based CEO of a women'southward networking organisation called FemCity, who's spoken publicly nearly how she remarried her ex-husband of 20 years in 2019. "When nosotros started to date again, it was prissy because we knew each other, but certain elements of united states of america had changed," she says. "We both worked on areas we needed to work on while autonomously, and we were in many means 'new' to 1 some other."

"The elements of ourselves that evolved made reconnecting a cute process while working through some of the pain from the interruption-up," adds de Ayala. "He no longer took our human relationship for granted. He started to go me thoughtful gifts, and will at present terminate randomly and share his love for me and appreciation. That didn't be the first time around."

Conversely, if you've spent a long time away from someone, get dorsum together and find that you fall into the same toxic patterns as before with that person, that cognition tin can exist advantageous, too. Sensing that you're going to run into the same headaches all over again could give you lot the foresight to avoid the same disaster twice.

"Sometimes, with the wisdom of years and experiences in other relationships, people feel similar, 'oh gosh, maybe I can work through that gridlock issue we had'," says McNulty. Merely he stresses the key is "people demand to know what their irreconcilable bug were before, and really take an honest await at whether or not everything's different now".

Rekindling an quondam romance is definitely not for everyone, relationship experts say, but the familiarity that exists tin lead to possible benefits (Credit: Getty Images)

'Apocalyptic love and sex'

Earlier you commencement sliding into your ex's DMs, ask yourself why you're doing it – because enough can go wrong.

While 1 of the joys of getting back with an ex is the comfort or familiarity, Kuriansky says that longing for comfort tin be misplaced, especially lately as we seem to alive amidst constant chaos. Last May, when lockdowns were rolling out, enquiry from Indiana Academy's Kinsey Institute, which studies sex and relationships, suggested that as many as one in five people were texting their exes while in isolation.

"I call it 'apocalyptic love and sex'," she says. "Which is, 'there ain't no tomorrow, so I better settle'." Kuriansky has studied romance during periods of disaster and terrorism, and says information technology'south common for people to reconnect with by lovers due to "the sense there could not be a tomorrow – at present with Afghanistan, natural disasters everywhere, [people experience like] they're living in a state of Armageddon", so they want to go dorsum to a person who at i fourth dimension provided love and security.

Take a hard look at why you're reaching out to an former flame. Is it because you're trying to quiet anxiety from scary news headlines by seeking comfort from an old flame, and not because you actually miss the relationship and are willing to go through the very existent effort of making it work? If it'southward the latter, take that every bit a red flag.

Kuriansky also advises soliciting the feedback of friends and family before pursuing an ex. Many may react negatively, peculiarly if the relationship ended badly. But the purpose of this exercise isn't to invite judgment from loved ones; rather, they can bring y'all dorsum downward to Earth and remind y'all why the human relationship was problematic.

"Be prepared for other people'southward opinions. Most people volition say, 'What? You're getting back together? Are you kidding? Why?' They're going to bring up all those memories, so how are you lot going to bargain with that?" says Kuriansky.

Be fix to face up those memories – non but with yourself and with your loved ones, merely with your ex themselves, which can exist the hardest role. "That is one slice that was rather challenging and nosotros had to work through. Leaving the by in the past," says de Ayala. "There is then much history that can be dragged up, but at that place has to be a mutual agreement that from hither forward, forgiveness, communication and the feeling of [starting] anew" is what will deport the relationship farther into the future, she says.

Many of usa may find ourselves longing for a lost beloved. If we go well-nigh it in a realistic, salubrious way, it could, possibly, piece of work out – if both people are on the aforementioned page.

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Source: https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20210830-why-getting-back-with-an-ex-is-so-compelling

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